a penny for my thoughts

so looking at this blog i noticed i haven't written on here in over 4yrs! wow! that time has gone so quick! last time i blogged i was 6mths away from being married, looking to move to hong kong and both excited and terrified about what the future held. as they say, life does not always turn out the way you plan!

square peg in a round hole

//05OCT07/23:07/LOUNGE*ROOM//
//MOOD: REFLECTIVE//

just a pilgrim & a sojourner here;
from a kingdom far & yet, so near.
& a stay as brief as candle light;
until the rising son & morning bright -
will show a different way to walk.

so it’s encounterfest once again. and judah smith is here preaching again. challenging – again. and I wonder, is this the way it’s always going to be? a fire lit, then a fire gone out...

I feel like a square peg trying so hard to fit into a round hole. there is a longing, an ache inside – it’s physical in its intensity. this need for something more than this life – something more than what I see, hear, touch, taste and smell. this discontentment that causes me to rage against the smallness of my life.

where do I belong? this pilgrimage I am on – where is it going to? what is my purpose, my design? will I be great/significant/poured out – or will I live my life forever in the shadows of mediocrity and disappointment?

tonight, judah was challenging encounterfest about our point of view – challenged us not to be so limited in vision, but rather to believe that God desires all men to be saved; and then challenged all of us to do something about it. the challenge is to look up, look out, look beyond ourselves and see that every other person we encounter/walk by/walk past/walk beyond is a life that is precious to God. 6 billion people. 6 billion different lives, different fears/tears/hopes/dreams/longings...6 billion hearts. 6 billion voices that will never fade from the hearing of the eternal ears of God.

justice isn't just for the birds

//mood/inspired to make a difference//
//noise/refrigerator hum//

i've been challenged again today by the fact that we in the west do far too little to alleviate the suffering in the world around us. I do far too little...

& if that last line annoys you so much you want to click to another page, do me a favour, restrain your mouse finger for just a minute and read the rest of the post.

i'm a video editor, and i've been working on several projects in the last few weeks for a conference coming up. two of them in particular have just broken me. they have been the hardest videos i've ever had to edit in my life - not technically, but personally - emotionally...even as i type this, i can hardly see the screen for the tears that are blurring my vision.

leaving is the only way home

I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently...
I want to repeat one word for you: Leave...Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.
- Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts, p.x,xii -

the heat today is oppressive. it lays on you like a blanket, clogging your nostrils and making it difficult to breathe deeply. it’s sleepy weather, only just gone midday, but i could easily go back to bed, or go lie in my hammock out the back and drowse the day away. i think about turning on the air-conditioner - but that would mean closing all the doors and staying inside, and i think i want to be outside. except for the heat!

it’s warmer outside than in. at least in my lounge room the tiles cool the room a bit. out side where i’m now sitting, the breeze blows occasionally, like a hot breath through the trees, stealing moisture from everything it touches. i wonder if there is a bush fire somewhere. the wind is hot. my laptop is hot on my leg. i can feel sweat running down from my armpits and it feels gross. but it’s kind of peaceful out here; the music of the tree tops as they bend and sway against each other, the low rumble of traffic coming and going to places unknown, punctuated by birds calling and arguing and performing solos that go unapplauded.

 i think i can understand why c-- wants to leave & go overseas. why she feels like she is dying here. not living. because i feel it too. the mundaneness, the sameness, the weight of repetition, the monotony of a life where nothing really changes – different faces with the same old problems and fears, the same outlook on life, the same gods of wealth and success in the cult of the next best thing. and i am a fringe-dweller. made to feel like i don’t belong because i don’t want those things.
if i had nothing, would i still be happy? could i still be happy? the irony of the question is not lost on me as i sit here writing on my ibook, outside my house full of technology, music, books – more things than i could ever need, and less than i want.

but truthfully, i want more substance, not more things. i want to be able to see what i have [truly see rather than just glancing without appreciation], and live in that space where gratefulness is more natural than breathing. i want to be inspired by life. in the words of hansel [he’s so hot right now], i want to “grip it and rip it”. i want to know what bark is made out of, and care desperately about what i do and give it my best shot...

instead, i’ll push this restless feeling down again, go inside and do my work, write some invoices, do some wedding things that are beyond pressing and should have been done weeks ago – i’ll go and shoulder responsibilities that have become mine because of choices i’ve made. instead of breathing free i’ll take the shallow breaths of the busy as they hurry from one thing to the next forgetting that life is only this moment. everything else is either gone or uncertain.

maybe today i will learn to live more mindfully, and i can journey a bit farther towards being the kind of person that can see the marvel of eternity beneath the skin of the mundane moments that are the substance of life. & maybe today i will remember to be thankful for what i have and not worried about what i don’t - i will be grateful that i have all my physical needs met, i have a family who loves me, friends who challenge me, a job that i like and a future that is cradled in the hands of a God who is good. maybe today my prayer will be ‘thankyou’ instead of ‘give me’ or ‘help me’.

& in my restlessness, therein is found peace.

be honest...or stay quiet

//MOOD/PENSIVE//NOISE/ROVE LIVE//
as i was driving yesterday, i was thinking about this blog, what i wanted to write, what i wanted to say...and i found myself censoring in my head what i would put on this blog.

my reason? because people i know would read this blog. people i love, people i respect, people who's good opinion i would like to preserve... and then i realised that that reason sucks. big time.

i have always wanted to be someone who is authentic, who has an integrated life, who has the courage to be myself, be honest with where i'm at and not 'appearance manage' to the point where my public and private personas are two very different things. & i realised that if i censor what i would say, based on who 'might' read this, then i'm not being true to myself. i'm not being honest. & how could i then stand & say that i love the truth, if i shade it by omission?

so my commitment is to be as honest as i can - with my fears & my joys, with my doubts & convictions. & i hope that those who read this blog, particularly those who know me & love me will give me grace to be myself in all my broken and fractured glory, and space as i take this journey towards wholeness and healing.

xox

wedding dreaming

MOOD/KINDA TIRED//
NOISE/BROOKE FRASER & THE CLUNKING FAN//

i just woke up from one of the whackiest dreams i've had in a while - & lately, i've been having some pretty whacky ones, let me tell you.

the dream was set as far as i can tell in the colonial era - think convict australia or pirates of the caribbean...& my fiance and i were on the run [someone is always chasing me in my dreams] making it very difficult to get married - every time we got close to getting hitched, whoever was chasing us got close to catching us [or maybe just him, & i was guilty by association - this is a new element, usually i'm the one being pursued!].

a blog needs a purpose

i was just thinking that a blog needs a purpose really, even if that purpose is to be the stomping ground of all things random!

so to that end, i've decided that i'll use the halls of my part of blogdom to chart my journey as i do the S.A.F.E. course at my church [hillsong church], and prepare to get married [to my hot, spunky hong kong boy].

for those of you not in the know, the safe course that i'm doing is the 'door of hope' course created by careforce. it's a course designed to help people who have experienced sexual abuse find freedom, healing and wholeness. it's a great course, i did it years ago when i was 16 [i'm 24 now], but the course has changed a lot since then. so i'm excited about doing it - i'm scared too, because i know it brings up all sorts of things that are not pleasant but have to be dealt with.

it can be a scary thing to face your past. particularly when you have one like mine that isn't all that pretty to look at. thankfully god is fully of mercy and grace. i need to remember that - particularly now as things start to get churned up and there's the potential for me to think i'm a crap person because i feel dirtied by all the things that have happened to me and all the dumb choices i made out of my own brokenness.

i find myself needing to remind myself continually that there is healing available. that life wasn't supposed to be like this, and there's freedom in christ. i was not supposed to do life broken in this way, and wholeness is available to those who have the courage to seek it. so i want to seek. i want to have the courage to stand and face my fears and my demons and my bad decisions. i want to have the courage to change the things that i need to, and throw myself into the arms of my god - because he has promised to be mighty on the behalf of those who are weak.

so, a couple of years ago i wrote a poem. it's as valid for me today as when i firt wrote it. hope someone out there finds some inspiration from it.

peace,
C.

25JUL04: 14:30:
See the broken warrior rise again,
To fight the foe that overcame;
& watch the tide of battle change,
to flow and flood against the bane.

Then watch the tarnished armour start to gleam,
on One who’s not content with just the dream;
But rises yet while it’s still night,
to take her place, to stand - & fight.

Who with courage, faces down the dark,
Refusing to let go of Hope’s tiny spark;
But stands with valiant heart ablaze,
Picks up her sword, prepares, & stays.

& on the front rank again awaits the call -
to advance, go forward – though she be small;
But in the eyes of her Captain-King,
That she stands again is no little thing.

‘Cause he saw the blow that took her down -
watched, as the enemy tried to steal her crown.
& He knows the price that she had to pay
just to get back on her feet and not run away.

For He heard the tiny whisper that matched his own,
“Get up, one more time - come on, make it home”.
& He watched her with pride, & a smile on His face,
as she stood to her feet & hobbled to place.

While She readied her heart to once more join the fray,
He came alongside her, and called her by name,
“Thank you, My Darling, for standing once more,
& finding courage again to stand at the fore.”

“Rest on me now, stand here close to Me,
& together we’ll show them, what it means to be free.”

opening thoughts

mood/tired//noise/fan cranking & blurred traffic noise//

ok. well, new blog. haven't done this in a long while.

i'm in hong kong at the moment, but was sick today [is there many things worse than being sick on holiday?], so instead of going out with my fiance i slept, and surfed the net. i found my old blog and decided i wanted to move on from that one and move house to some where new - so this is it.

wonder if anyone will come and visit me here? i hope so.