//MOOD/PENSIVE//NOISE/ROVE LIVE//
as i was driving yesterday, i was thinking about this blog, what i wanted to write, what i wanted to say...and i found myself censoring in my head what i would put on this blog.
my reason? because people i know would read this blog. people i love, people i respect, people who's good opinion i would like to preserve... and then i realised that that reason sucks. big time.
i have always wanted to be someone who is authentic, who has an integrated life, who has the courage to be myself, be honest with where i'm at and not 'appearance manage' to the point where my public and private personas are two very different things. & i realised that if i censor what i would say, based on who 'might' read this, then i'm not being true to myself. i'm not being honest. & how could i then stand & say that i love the truth, if i shade it by omission?
so my commitment is to be as honest as i can - with my fears & my joys, with my doubts & convictions. & i hope that those who read this blog, particularly those who know me & love me will give me grace to be myself in all my broken and fractured glory, and space as i take this journey towards wholeness and healing.
xox
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
wedding dreaming
MOOD/KINDA TIRED//
NOISE/BROOKE FRASER & THE CLUNKING FAN//
i just woke up from one of the whackiest dreams i've had in a while - & lately, i've been having some pretty whacky ones, let me tell you.
the dream was set as far as i can tell in the colonial era - think convict australia or pirates of the caribbean...& my fiance and i were on the run [someone is always chasing me in my dreams] making it very difficult to get married - every time we got close to getting hitched, whoever was chasing us got close to catching us [or maybe just him, & i was guilty by association - this is a new element, usually i'm the one being pursued!].
NOISE/BROOKE FRASER & THE CLUNKING FAN//
i just woke up from one of the whackiest dreams i've had in a while - & lately, i've been having some pretty whacky ones, let me tell you.
the dream was set as far as i can tell in the colonial era - think convict australia or pirates of the caribbean...& my fiance and i were on the run [someone is always chasing me in my dreams] making it very difficult to get married - every time we got close to getting hitched, whoever was chasing us got close to catching us [or maybe just him, & i was guilty by association - this is a new element, usually i'm the one being pursued!].
Friday, October 13, 2006
a blog needs a purpose
i was just thinking that a blog needs a purpose really, even if that purpose is to be the stomping ground of all things random!
so to that end, i've decided that i'll use the halls of my part of blogdom to chart my journey as i do the S.A.F.E. course at my church [hillsong church], and prepare to get married [to my hot, spunky hong kong boy].
for those of you not in the know, the safe course that i'm doing is the 'door of hope' course created by careforce. it's a course designed to help people who have experienced sexual abuse find freedom, healing and wholeness. it's a great course, i did it years ago when i was 16 [i'm 24 now], but the course has changed a lot since then. so i'm excited about doing it - i'm scared too, because i know it brings up all sorts of things that are not pleasant but have to be dealt with.
it can be a scary thing to face your past. particularly when you have one like mine that isn't all that pretty to look at. thankfully god is fully of mercy and grace. i need to remember that - particularly now as things start to get churned up and there's the potential for me to think i'm a crap person because i feel dirtied by all the things that have happened to me and all the dumb choices i made out of my own brokenness.
i find myself needing to remind myself continually that there is healing available. that life wasn't supposed to be like this, and there's freedom in christ. i was not supposed to do life broken in this way, and wholeness is available to those who have the courage to seek it. so i want to seek. i want to have the courage to stand and face my fears and my demons and my bad decisions. i want to have the courage to change the things that i need to, and throw myself into the arms of my god - because he has promised to be mighty on the behalf of those who are weak.
so, a couple of years ago i wrote a poem. it's as valid for me today as when i firt wrote it. hope someone out there finds some inspiration from it.
peace,
C.
25JUL04: 14:30:
See the broken warrior rise again,
To fight the foe that overcame;
& watch the tide of battle change,
to flow and flood against the bane.
Then watch the tarnished armour start to gleam,
on One who’s not content with just the dream;
But rises yet while it’s still night,
to take her place, to stand - & fight.
Who with courage, faces down the dark,
Refusing to let go of Hope’s tiny spark;
But stands with valiant heart ablaze,
Picks up her sword, prepares, & stays.
& on the front rank again awaits the call -
to advance, go forward – though she be small;
But in the eyes of her Captain-King,
That she stands again is no little thing.
‘Cause he saw the blow that took her down -
watched, as the enemy tried to steal her crown.
& He knows the price that she had to pay
just to get back on her feet and not run away.
For He heard the tiny whisper that matched his own,
“Get up, one more time - come on, make it home”.
& He watched her with pride, & a smile on His face,
as she stood to her feet & hobbled to place.
While She readied her heart to once more join the fray,
He came alongside her, and called her by name,
“Thank you, My Darling, for standing once more,
& finding courage again to stand at the fore.”
“Rest on me now, stand here close to Me,
& together we’ll show them, what it means to be free.”
so to that end, i've decided that i'll use the halls of my part of blogdom to chart my journey as i do the S.A.F.E. course at my church [hillsong church], and prepare to get married [to my hot, spunky hong kong boy].
for those of you not in the know, the safe course that i'm doing is the 'door of hope' course created by careforce. it's a course designed to help people who have experienced sexual abuse find freedom, healing and wholeness. it's a great course, i did it years ago when i was 16 [i'm 24 now], but the course has changed a lot since then. so i'm excited about doing it - i'm scared too, because i know it brings up all sorts of things that are not pleasant but have to be dealt with.
it can be a scary thing to face your past. particularly when you have one like mine that isn't all that pretty to look at. thankfully god is fully of mercy and grace. i need to remember that - particularly now as things start to get churned up and there's the potential for me to think i'm a crap person because i feel dirtied by all the things that have happened to me and all the dumb choices i made out of my own brokenness.
i find myself needing to remind myself continually that there is healing available. that life wasn't supposed to be like this, and there's freedom in christ. i was not supposed to do life broken in this way, and wholeness is available to those who have the courage to seek it. so i want to seek. i want to have the courage to stand and face my fears and my demons and my bad decisions. i want to have the courage to change the things that i need to, and throw myself into the arms of my god - because he has promised to be mighty on the behalf of those who are weak.
so, a couple of years ago i wrote a poem. it's as valid for me today as when i firt wrote it. hope someone out there finds some inspiration from it.
peace,
C.
25JUL04: 14:30:
See the broken warrior rise again,
To fight the foe that overcame;
& watch the tide of battle change,
to flow and flood against the bane.
Then watch the tarnished armour start to gleam,
on One who’s not content with just the dream;
But rises yet while it’s still night,
to take her place, to stand - & fight.
Who with courage, faces down the dark,
Refusing to let go of Hope’s tiny spark;
But stands with valiant heart ablaze,
Picks up her sword, prepares, & stays.
& on the front rank again awaits the call -
to advance, go forward – though she be small;
But in the eyes of her Captain-King,
That she stands again is no little thing.
‘Cause he saw the blow that took her down -
watched, as the enemy tried to steal her crown.
& He knows the price that she had to pay
just to get back on her feet and not run away.
For He heard the tiny whisper that matched his own,
“Get up, one more time - come on, make it home”.
& He watched her with pride, & a smile on His face,
as she stood to her feet & hobbled to place.
While She readied her heart to once more join the fray,
He came alongside her, and called her by name,
“Thank you, My Darling, for standing once more,
& finding courage again to stand at the fore.”
“Rest on me now, stand here close to Me,
& together we’ll show them, what it means to be free.”
opening thoughts
mood/tired//noise/fan cranking & blurred traffic noise//
ok. well, new blog. haven't done this in a long while.
i'm in hong kong at the moment, but was sick today [is there many things worse than being sick on holiday?], so instead of going out with my fiance i slept, and surfed the net. i found my old blog and decided i wanted to move on from that one and move house to some where new - so this is it.
wonder if anyone will come and visit me here? i hope so.
ok. well, new blog. haven't done this in a long while.
i'm in hong kong at the moment, but was sick today [is there many things worse than being sick on holiday?], so instead of going out with my fiance i slept, and surfed the net. i found my old blog and decided i wanted to move on from that one and move house to some where new - so this is it.
wonder if anyone will come and visit me here? i hope so.
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