square peg in a round hole

//05OCT07/23:07/LOUNGE*ROOM//
//MOOD: REFLECTIVE//

just a pilgrim & a sojourner here;
from a kingdom far & yet, so near.
& a stay as brief as candle light;
until the rising son & morning bright -
will show a different way to walk.

so it’s encounterfest once again. and judah smith is here preaching again. challenging – again. and I wonder, is this the way it’s always going to be? a fire lit, then a fire gone out...

I feel like a square peg trying so hard to fit into a round hole. there is a longing, an ache inside – it’s physical in its intensity. this need for something more than this life – something more than what I see, hear, touch, taste and smell. this discontentment that causes me to rage against the smallness of my life.

where do I belong? this pilgrimage I am on – where is it going to? what is my purpose, my design? will I be great/significant/poured out – or will I live my life forever in the shadows of mediocrity and disappointment?

tonight, judah was challenging encounterfest about our point of view – challenged us not to be so limited in vision, but rather to believe that God desires all men to be saved; and then challenged all of us to do something about it. the challenge is to look up, look out, look beyond ourselves and see that every other person we encounter/walk by/walk past/walk beyond is a life that is precious to God. 6 billion people. 6 billion different lives, different fears/tears/hopes/dreams/longings...6 billion hearts. 6 billion voices that will never fade from the hearing of the eternal ears of God.

and I am one. and long to live a life beyond myself – beyond my own hopes and fears and smallness. a life that bears witness to the light that shines in the darkness [will that light shine in my darkness?]. psalm 18 says [speaking of God]

For You will light my lamp;
The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.

from my little dark room where I edit, I see no light. no bigger picture. there is one, I know. I was telling it to the crew at Hillsong Women just the other day. i see only the tiniest bit of the broader tapestry. every little thing we do has purpose if only we have the eyes to see it. every moment spent in the company of another is an opportunity to sow something [either positive or negative] into their life. every single day, there is an opportunity to influence the world around us in a way that only we can. of the 6 billion people, only I can do what I can do. no one else can do things quite the same way I can, no one else can say the things I can say, or reach the people I can reach the way I can reach them. the unique matrix of my life means that there are things that only I can do the way God intends them to be done.

do I dare to dream that it is possible to attain to such lofty thoughts? that my life could count for something, that my contribution could be significant, weighty – reflecting the full glory of my creator? do I dare to dream that that which seems impossible in the present moment could come to pass in my life?

God has a history of using very ordinary people to do extra-ordinary things.

this earthen jar is willing.